2o22

 

TWENTY TWENTY TWO

This year has been a journey of self-evaluation,

New hobbies, grounded relationships, and complicated situationships?,

I have hated, I have loved, laughed, insulted, cursed, slandered, helped, danced, argued- 

I have felt A LOT, and for whatever reason I feel all these changes now, as I write.

A tear falls down my cheek as I question if anything I am doing is actually right,

The stress of my imperfections, wrong decisions, and complicated situationships, more like permanent relationships I continue to fight,

 The losses I'm taking left, right and centre, unwanted feelings towards the opposite gender, self hate, insecurities, and all the funked up things I could mention:

My issues seem to be stretching from East to West,

Whilst I am trying my best.

Subconsciously, I am aware that I am not alone, 

Billions around, before and after me will experience the same thing, 

get through it or choose to go on in melancholy, 

seeking pity and empathy from all around,

love and empathy for oneself remaining lost and not found.

Through logic and rationality, my mind can shorten that paragraph of issues, just to a simple line,

yes?

realise those Losses are steps in the right direction,

Experiences for life I will remember with peculiar distinction,

Opportunities to do better next time,

Work to reach or surpass my competitors, with a humble smile,

And as for the permanent relationships I continue to fight, 

It is one of the tougher ones, with no right path in sight;

Attempts to disengage have all but failed, 

And it's hard to forgive when being wronged becomes this long boring tale,

Same characters and plots,

15 years, and I cannot connect the dots-

Spiritually-

Spiritually, I decide to love,

Anger is more a danger to myself,

A mirror of all that I hate but see- in myself,

A dreadful cycle with bumps and slippery turns,

Anger is voluntarily playing with fire, only to get burned.

Logically,

I am imperfect, 

And I don't mean in the way I look,

I'm imperfect in the way that- I,

Do what I hate,

Speak for what I am supposedly against,

I hurt the people I love and then write poems about how people who love me- hurt me,

I am, if not worse, 

So logically, I must understand, I should forgive, I should love.

Logically speaking,

Some people are simply and truly bad,

These people may be close to you and that makes it sad,

Harder to internalise, and connect the dots.

Anger and depression are unnecessary,

Understandable but unnecessary,

The key is to set boundaries,

 and ignore,

If they are not good to you, see them as nothing but dense boars,

Put energy into those that care about you,

And let those other fools, continue scavenging at karma that sure is due.

by; ayana

Alright, so... twenty twenty two. I wrote this last year somewhere in December; stayed up late one night and felt heavily as described in the first stanza so I decided to write to clear my mind. I had no intention of posting it, but I found it recently and it was beautiful to read because I've come so far since then. Hope you enjoyed it!